Only Fuck If You Actually Want To

Shock and awe; the two most present emotions that exist in my body whenever I hear stories of how unsafe this world still is for women. Not shocked that this is the case (unfortunately, because the fact itself is so historically ever present), but shocked at the way modern civilized men still shirk the accountability. To preface, this isn't a thought piece that's going to include experiences from the multitudinous genders and orientations that exist in our human species' expression; this is from my life journey, as a woman, in the world.

It is what I see.

And it is what I know, and have lived.

I was dating someone recently, who brought on one important conversation I still think about - and still feel incredibly flabbergasted by.

We were talking about the nature of a woman's right to walk down the street and dress as she chooses. And how this woman's right should be protected, because women deserve the fundamental human experience of safely walking home. But what he said to me was so revealing, and so troubling.

What he said made me see that he still felt it would be my responsibility to "dress appropriately" to suit the gaze of men in public, lest I risk carrying the karma of making that man feel sexual towards me. It was my fault if I felt unsafe, because men are so broken and un-evolved, that to be a beautiful woman on the street was in itself hazardous. Because men are so helpless to their own "animal instincts", it was my fault for inciting sexual thoughts in them to the point they felt so out of control, they had to cat-call and stare, and in some extreme cases, assault me. And it is my responsibility to become something that I am not, in order to suit a world of men who are not ready to meet me as I really am in my full power as a goddess, in the flesh, on the earth.

There was another instance, with a different man, who was also a community pillar and a yoga teacher, who told me I "shouldn't wear such tiny shorts doing yoga, because he's only a man", after our male housemate had sexually assaulted me. The housemate has since grovelled in apology.

When we enter into the world of spiritual practice, we can find so many loopholes and traps that lead us into victim-blaming mentalities; the world and the experiences you have within it are simply a reflection of you, and therefore, you are calling in what you deserve, is one of the greatest examples of this dangerous mind game. And this is why it is always so important not to follow blindly, but to lead with your own intuition. In these nuanced dialogues, especially around topics like how to build safer communities for people to enjoy, it's absolutely essential to listen deeply, reflect, and do the work.

In spiritual community, we always want to hold space for everyone to reach their highest potential; if this genuinely means everyone, though, this also means knowing when it is appropriate to ask someone to take a time-out because of their bad behaviour, and show them new ways of being, or ask them to explore other spaces.

When we care about the people around us, and we do so from a really authentic place of wanting to bring people together and create change in the world - not just for the sake of making money - our responsibilities and actions as people become greater. My ex taught me that his thinking still showed me his first priority was to tell me how to behave in the world, to be safe, rather than to educate the men around him how to be better.

It is this fundamental difference in perspective that is so absolutely necessary for the world to understand. It is this fundamental difference in mindset that shifts the thoughts from "how to control women so they don't get raped" to "how to teach human beings how to live together harmoniously, by creating better men." And it's this difference, too, I feel, that gives men the agency. When we act like men are helpless to the power of a woman's beauty, and become dissociative psychopathic monsters as a result, we completely take away the agency of a man to be better.

We completely take away the power of men to become evolved, intelligent, emotional, sensitive and intuitive people. We completely take away their power to grow, because we are effectively saying, "men are too stupid and incapable of basic human respect and so women have to take the high road, cover up and not eat bananas in public" (a real conversation I had yesterday with a girlfriend of mine).

Recently, on Resident Advisor (a worldwide platform for electronic music), I read an article centred around a music festival in the UK being cancelled after allegations of sexual assault were revealed against the founder. And his quoted response reads like this, "...in a long term relationship, I feel that things like consent can become a grey area."

My gut twisted.

How hard is it to just ask?

"Do you want to have sex tonight?"

So, the longer you love someone, the more of a right you have to their bodies, regardless of what they say to you? Or the less of an obligation you have to ask, because it's assumed that this totally autonomous being you are privileged enough to share space with, is just going to dish out booty for you simply because you're in a relationship and it's assumed.

Consent is never assumed.

Consent is never implied.

Consent is an explicit thing.

If I say, "I don't want to have sex," it is because, I don't want to have sex. Not because there is some grey area full of ambiguity you can maybe squeeze out of me if you poke me in the right spots. Not because "I don't want to have sex" secretly also means "but please try to change my mind".

"I never want to give money to a man who sexually assaults people," one ticket holder was quoted saying after demanding a refund for the festival. And honestly, yes. I entirely feel, agree and reflect this sentiment.

When I was in my early 20's, I created and co-founded a queer events company, called I'd Tap That. We began as a series of workshops designed to address things like body positive self image, how to explore nudity in a non-sexual way, how to talk about sexuality without shame, guilt or judgement. We began as a space to explore healthy sexuality, turned into an events company (because there were so many of us who needed this), and eventually started a feminist porn company called The Spit Magazine.

I only left because my business partner continually slept with my lovers without asking permission to do so first, assuming polyamoury meant implied consent with everyone. I didn't feel safe anymore, and her refusal to accommodate the very thing we were fighting to create in the world (safe spaces), was the nail in the coffin.

Why is sexuality such an important thing?

Why is our society so grotesquely obsessed with sex?

Why is everything sold to us by naked women, while conservative middle class parents are rioting over transgender identity being taught in school?

When a governing body is able to control and manipulate a population through fear, through shame and through self-loathing, the sickness and debilitation of that society becomes massive. Instead of looking to ourselves for intuitive wisdom, we are manipulated into looking elsewhere for guidance, and through commercialist capitalism, we have created an endless landscape of onslaught and information that shows us every thing we can buy to become something "better" than what we are. To improve on things that are normal, in ways that are entirely tied to bettering someone's bank account rather than bettering the person struggling.

It lacks ethics. And whatever is repressed and wounded the most, is the thing that cries the loudest. In our case, as a culture, it is sex.

And in my case, it is my sexuality as a woman.

I have always been a highly sexual woman. I tie that with also being highly creative. In Indian yoga, the centre of the body that expresses sexuality is also the centre of the body that expresses emotion, creative energy and life; all in the womb.

And the wounds we do to each other without taking accountability for our role in our collective (within the subtle and colourful tapestry of privilege, history, and social climate), are wounds that go deep and drive wedges and daggers of shadows into parts of ourselves that are naturally pure. My ex would have retorted at me with, "but young men are so wounded and they need help." And quite frankly, I wouldn't disagree.

But where is my priority as a woman?

As a woman, who has been groomed and primed (or at least, attempted) by society to serve the male gaze, to accommodate male-driven revolutions, to vote for male-dominated political values, to buy into male-owned conglomerate companies that tell me how to be, to be the male-centred sexual fantasy, to work on a calendar that's driven by the male body and doesn't take into account how I might simply need to function differently to regulate my emotions around a menstrual cycle or pregnancy. Now, not only am I being told, "be a woman like this because men prefer it," I'm also being told, "and hold their hands while they struggle and suffer because of the damage they've done to themselves by stopping you from being who you are."

And here, we have a problem.

The hypocrisy and lack of backbone is immense.

A man has no right to tell a woman, "if you want to see a better world, hold the hand of your rapist until he figures it out."

But a man, true in his masculinity and his power, driven by his desire to connect, to create, to be a protector and a guardian, a man sincere with his own heart, will take the responsibility unto himself, because only he knows what it is to be a man, and only he can speak to that place in another man, that needs the changing. And if he loves women the way he says, why wouldn't be passionately throw his life's work into making the world a safer place for her feet to stand on, instead of wiping his hands clean and saying, "it's your responsibility. Don't be such a slut."

As a woman, who quite frankly prefers to be naked all the time, and is highly selective with her lovers (because energy is the most valuable currency in the universe), I can safely say that "slut" is a relative term depending on whose mouth its coming out of. And I can also safely say, I've only met a handful of men who I would trust wholeheartedly with the truths of my woman's body. And I've met an even smaller handful still who I would trust to lead the other men to comprehension and salvation. And I praise the women doing this work, this brave and treacherous labour of love of attempting to wake up the souls of men to their own emotional landscapes.

Truthfully, no man was born a monster, and no man wants to be one. I don't want to be surrounded by anyone who can't agree with me here.

But, truthfully, as a woman in the world simply trying to survive, to get by, and to have a good time while I'm at it, I don't have the energy to put into evolving the male populace. My work is in giving women spaces to be themselves, and in giving myself a space to be. But the people who I do have faith in to do the work, I am so grateful for. Because when the work is successful, the results are so remarkable.

And truly, everyone deserves to live, fully, authentically.

My nudity is never an invitation.

My nudity is simply the flesh I was born in, wanting to kiss the sun and to live in poetry as humans are made to do.

If I wanted to have sex with you, you'd know.